Don't Let Her Win

Dear Diary;

I've chosen to post my current thoughts in one single post. I did this because it's so profound. I'll leave a link to my regular diary AKA Obscure Arcanum - Chapter Thirty Eight...

...yea! Thirty eight (38). Where are all the other chapters? 

Gone.

Like a fart in the wind, all my work online was deleted and is now gone forever. I was able to salvage some of my work, because I managed to get my computer back, however, we're talking nine (9) years of diary writing, PLUS all my work I've EVER done since 2006. Everything before 2022 was destroyed. My email addresses? Destroyed. My paintball company's website. Gone. Pictures, letters, and so much more, merely wiped off the face of the interweb. Everything, gone.

There's two flips to this coin; the fact that someone else can do this as easily as logging on to a computer left errantly turned on, and I'm appaulled that someone would commit this evil, destructive act. 

Three -and-a-half DECADES of work, memories, stories, and an online diary read by over a HUNDRED THOUSAND PEOPLE, recipes, jokes, and so much more! Gone!

This all occurred because of a woman. Not my girlfriend, as I've been celibate for over two years, but rather, someone who used to be in my life but chose to turn to hard drugs, choosing living on the street over her own children! 

I stayed on as "Dad" to three children, and had done a really good job at trying to raise pre-teens who were not of my own blood. When it's your own children there's a different dynamic as opposed to raising kids that aren't yours. I had to handle situations I never would have been exposed to if they were of my own making. Long story short? I was performing a difficult role out of love, but constantly felt reprisals. The lies, damage to personal property, and a mind-numbing plethora of negativity was my main problems, but I made up schedules, used allowances to bolster household chores, and found memes and parables to try and steer these three children in the right direction. Most importantly, I loved them.

Then, I lost it all. The kids? Gone, and that ripped me apart in ways I could never imagine. THEN? That's when (Redacted*) lashed out and took advantage of a situation to veritably get rid of me. I wound up in jail while she turned my home into a crack-den! All my stuff was gone through, everything of value disappeared, and like I said earlier, she took advantage of my absence and went through my computer and deleted everything.

I feel as though my soul has been torn to shreds. Not a day goes by that I don't think of some valuable possession that I lost. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the kids, and what I could have done differently.

We were going to church regularly, attending all sorts of groups, the YMCA, ballet, dance class, basketball camp, et all. They were encouraged to get good grades at school, and were always proud to show me their report cards. Pictures for social media showed a happy little family. Routine, cleanliness and efficiency were the norm. 

Then.... I'm suddenly in jail due to outrageous claims. Now, I'm not claiming I'm an innocent man, but I WILL tell you I am NOT guilty of what I'm accused of! 

Eventually I was released, but by that time the house was DESTROYED and all my belongings were damaged or missing. It took nearly two months to get what was left. Two months! I sat in limbo for two months not knowing what was missing, and had to literally start over. While I may have physically struggled, my soul is what took the hardest beating. Heirlooms from my Grandpa and Grandma, pictures, and so much more are gone, and this kills me inside, because now I have nothing left of them! 

My mother died suddenly in July. This set me back HARD.

I don't have proper access to the internet. This sets me back daily. I barely use my computer unless it's writing, and tend to use my phone for everything else, so that's new. I owe the internet compony for the months I sat behind bars and (Redacted) the crack-(Explicit) used my own data to destroy everything.

I don't even feel the same. My whole life has been turned upside down. There's an impending court case coming, and that weighs heavily on my mind. Not sure when that will come to pass, but the fear of winding up BACK behind bars over lies scares the shit out of me.

Eventually I managed to piece together my website, but it's not the same at all. The links to all my work on Amazon are gone. Ugh! Sitting here thinking aboot all the material that was destroyed literally turns my stomach. You can try this for yourself; go out and hurt yourself and have some sort of a deep cut  that eventually scabs over, THEN every time it starts to heal you take your fingernail and start picking at the scab; rip it off and allow yourself to bleed again; let it start to heal, then pick at it again; Rinse, repeat. See what I mean? Good analogy.

So, you might see why I am reluctant to write anything. IF everything I post online can be deleted by the mere flick of a switch or the click of a couple of keys on the computer, then my desire to write is GREATLY diminished. I mean, why bother? Just like everything else in my life, I have been forced to quickly change and adapt to the new situation. Going back to writing full-time doesn't even register in my head right now, as I am definitely not OK about having my life's work destroyed. Oh, sure! I have quite a bit of my material saved, but all my diary's were never saved. So much loss! 

"BUT writing is what you LOVE. Don't let what was done to you take away your love. You're good at writing, you love it -- don't let her take it away from you. Password protect It but WRITE!" 

"Don't give (Redacted) the power over you!"

 Anonymous DM received by a concerned fan.

Gee! Didn't think of it THAT way. It's been months now since I discovered that my whole life was deleted, and writing to spite (Redacted) never once crossed my mind. I'll say that again in case you missed the point; writing in spite of the damage done, PLUS the potential to once again have the rug pulled out from underneath me, never once occurred to me. Why should it? I'm not a psychologist, persay. It took someone else to tell me this idea. 

Much of the writing I've been doing lately is for "Debunking the CBC", but THAT keeps getting threatened of being shut down by the ultra-left wing cancel-culture that pervades social media. So, that weighs heavily on my mind too. THAT, and there's the Elon Musk thing. What's that, Dear Diary? Elon Musk? Oh! Well, he's written to me twice now, and the last letter he wrote told me I should quit because my work is lazy, racist, and whatnot. This really hit home for me. Sucked the proverbial wind out my sails. THAT...

.....and I don't have internet. My only access is through my cell phone, by turning it into a "Hotspot"... And THAT'S precarious, as I only have a limited amount of data. 

So.............

......let's see if I got it all.... Depression from losing everything I loved, plus losing my whole life's work, cancel-culture, outdated morals and mannerisms, the loss of two email addresses and having to reset EVERYTHING, losing all my ID, a nasty letter from one of the richest men in the world... Am I missing anything? Oh! Right... No proper workspace (Desk) and no internet.

See why I'm not writing much?

Writing to spite (Redacted)?! There's a thought. 

I surmise the best thing for me to do is to become stable, and work on setting things up. It'll take time, because I'm so broke, and can't pay off the internet bill I accrued during the time I was incarcerated this late-Spring. THAT is a BIG issue for me..... A massively high hurdle that will take time to resolve. 

I COULD write offline, and then hop online to post it. However, it's not the same, and doesn't offer the same writing tools I'm used to.

Sitting at a table instead of a desk is difficult too. My wrists get sore quickly.

I dunno, Dear Diary..... I've been seriously hurt, and I'm having a hard time finding my feet again. I SHOULD get back to writing, but I've lost so much! My heart aches, and things I used to do now seem painful. What do you think? As always, feel free to write back to me, either through the comment section, my social media page, or even email. 

My email is "unkindart @ Gmail dot com". I do enjoy hearing back from my family, friends, and fans.

I'm going to go now. This has given me quite a bit to think about. I'll probably get back to writing soon, but like I said, it'll take time.

Cheers!

* Redacted - "She who shall not be named" due to a publication ban. Anyone who knows me will know who I am speaking about.