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How to Catch a Deer

 So, what I want you to do instead is picture in your mind, a beautiful Spring day.....You're in a field of green, softly blowing grass..... The sky over head is a crystal clear porcelain bowl of pure blue. Now as you look around the field, you see this tiny baby deer scampering in the grass, so innocent, so unaware of opportunities, but also rudimentary timid to an almost instinctive level. It's mother watches over a safe distance away, but she is a familiar face at the pile of corn, and has no fear of humans. As you watch this young deer scamper through the wide open field chasing butterflies and having a merry old time of itself, you suddenly get the desire to pet it.

Why not? Most animals seem to enjoy a good rub or a soft caress, so why not a baby deer? It's so perfect, so incredibly mind-numbing kick-you-in-the-feels CUTE, that you cannot envision in your mind any reason NOT to pet this baby deer.

Oh. And look, it's coming over to you. It sees you, and is very curious. Slowly, a bit wary at first, it timidly starts to walk in your direction. The little brown and white deer suddenly scampers quickly toward you, and runs full tilt.... And just as suddenly, stops about 4 meters away to sit and stare puzzled. Unsure. A bit scared.

It's right there. You just have to walk over a couple steps and you could wrap this little baby up like the luvvy-wuvvy cuteness that it is. So, you smile and take a step.

Oh.......... Well, the baby deer didn't like you suddenly moving like that, and it darts a good distance away. You sigh with frustration and shrug your shoulders. It figures, really, I mean who would think they could ever pet a baby deer, you scoff to yourself.

But then you see a flicker of white and the youngster is staring at you from even closer this time. It's big eyes are blinking in amazement in the warm sun. It edges closer. And closer... You dare to hold out your hand, and yet it continues this slow motion walk. Closer.

Suddenly, from within you, this pressure builds. You don't mean to, I mean, it's just part of being human..... An irritating tickle from some wisp of nothingness causes a huge sneeze from out of nowhere!! AH-CHOO!!

The deer is gone! In a flash, the frightened animal has sped away, faster than your eyes could blink while you sneezed. In fact, the deer probably anticipated that you would scare it by some unforeseen action, and was ready to pounce away given the first chance.

Wiping your nose in irritation, you sigh. No one pets a baby deer, you tell yourself, it simply doesn't happen.

You give up. So close! Damn you whatever white fuzz of randomness that ruined my chances!! Curse you!! You cry at the azure sky, shaking your fist for good effort.

A snort behind you nearly startles you! As you crane you neck around , you see the little deer standing no more than a few steps away from you. Oddly, there's a weird look on its face, which is mix of impatience and expectation. "Well, are you going to pet me? We should totally get this petting thing over with. I know, I'm being silly for being so scared, but this is my first time. I'm not sure if I'm going to like it or not....."

Wow! So now it wants you to pet it. That's totally awesome! All you have to do it reach out with your hand and ever-so-slowly try to touch the least scary part of the baby deer. Slowly, carefully, you reach for the deer.

It darts away.

By this time you are frustrated as all hell, and you're not sure if the damn deer is toying with you or not! "Fuck the damn thing", you curse aloud, "It's probably me, or something I'm not doing right". You kick the dirt, stomp on grass. Shake your fist at the sky. "Why did I even care in the first place?", you ask, "There's plenty of other baby deer out there that DO want to be petted. Why not just go find one of those!?" Then you sigh when you realize that you don't want to pet any other baby deer. You want that one.

Why does it matter? Why do you need to pet a baby deer? Other people have gone their whole lives without ever trying to, wanting to, or even envisioning petting a baby deer, so what's the big deal anyway?!

A quiet bump on your hand, makes you look down as the young deer gently takes it's head and lifts your hand into place to pet it. Slowly, it walks past you, allowing you to drape your hand along its velvet-soft, spotted flanks. It gives a little wiggle at the end when it walks past your reach .... And then turns around and comes back for another pass!

With big trusting eyes, the baby deer keeps pushing you to pet it. It even gets aggressive after a short while, and given time will be eating out of your hand.

________________________

AND THAT, Ladies and Gentleman, is the best way I know how to describe starting a relationship with a woman

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