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How to Fill Your Freezer

 HOW TO FILL YOUR FREEZER WITH WILD GAME

[This is meant to be satire]

1. Buy a young beef cow from a local farmer.

2. Raise your beef on a diet of pine needles and bark.

3. In October, bring all your friends over to help you butcher the animal. At sunrise, have all your friends gather together for a tail-gate party; drink lots of beer.

4. Get the dog to chase the beef around the yard for a couple of hours. Use a four-wheeler to help if necessary. Tire the beef out, and pump as much adrenaline into the beef as possible; have your buddies take wild shots at it, scaring the living crap out of it. Try to be as rambunctious as possible.

5. After the beef starts to get really tired, gut shot it. If you can, shoot it a couple of more times, hitting it in the best cuts of meat, preferably the loin and the back legs. Stand back, and let nature take its course. Wait for a few hours; 5 or 8 is best.  Drink beer.

6. Find dead carcass, and field dress it; try to get as much dirt, leaves, and sticks in it as possible. Use a dry, dead stick to keep the chest cavity open.

7. Using a four-wheeler, drag the animal back to the garage.  Try to hit all the mud puddles on the way, getting as much sand, dirt, and mud as you can, into the gutted carcass.

8. Drink more beer to celebrate.

9. Skin the carcass on the ground, rolling it over a few times, to really get more dirt and mud onto the animal. Let the dog have a few bites, to test for taste. 

10. Using a chain saw, split the carcass. If you can, slip a few times with the saw, and cut into the steaks. Don't worry about the small bone splinters, caused by the saw.

11. Don't wash any blood or gore off the halved carcass; that adds flavour.

12. Hang the two halves of beef in the garage.  Try to drop it a couple of times.

13. Drink beer.

14. Let it hang for 14 days. Hopefully, the weather co-operates, and it will freeze during the night, with day-time temperatures exceeding 10 degrees Celsius.  

15. Have your wife idle the car each day for up to 15 minutes before work.  Try to keep the garage door closed during this.

16. Let the dog have a few more tastes.  If he marks his territory on the carcass, that's a plus!

17. After two weeks, call the local butcher to arrange for cutting and wrapping. 

18. Enjoy your wild game; while wondering why the wife doesn't like it.

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