I often write poetry, keep a journal, or come up with some philosophical snippet that helps me make sense of the world in which I live.
The following is a diary I kept in jail in 2012. I wrote poetry as well, but most have been lost to time. I salvaged some, but I wrote a heap more when I was unfairly incarcerated in the Spring of 2023. I hope you enjoy my private thoughts that stem from such a dark and foreboding place.
Truth, and nothing but the Truth
Hope Goes to Die - Personal favourite!!
"An artist needs to experience trial and tribulation in order to render their soul capable to inspire the rare and delicate fantasies that exist within the vibrant cord of the heart. It is only through such persecution that the exquisite melodrama and strength of character are realized. For without struggle, without hardship, and without pain, an artist cannot express them self and truly relate to others." - Zzorhn Carlson, July 2012
September 20, 2012
On June 30th, 2012, I was involved in an incident, where I ended up in jail. During that time, I kept a journal; a log of my emotional state and my surroundings. I started it, as an outlet for my own, and it morphed into something much more. The events that follow, are based on true events and circumstances. Many have asked about the wisdom of creating a written record of this, but, I believe this needs to be heard.
Names are not included. Times change, and things that happened since the night that changed my life. Some of the entries that follow were based on facts at hand, and do not necessarily represent current situations.
I hope you enjoy the journey and adventure.
Lasciate Ogne Speranza Voi Ch'Intrate – Abandon all hope, who enters here
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July 1
If I could list my feelings about the events of June 30th, I would have to remind myself that, the only person I could have changed, was me.
I made the mistake of believing that I change someone else.
I believed that with my knowledge of sociology and psychology, that I could help you. I tried for many years to instill my ideology of communication, culture, and many aspects of the human psyche.
In trying to help you, I was wrong.
My biggest regret in al of this, is the little girl that suffers! She doesn't understand what happened, and I'm certain, never will know the truth.
I don't know why you thought running to another man would solve anything. I cannot start to explain how disappointed I am.
I thought we could fix anything.
When the problems arose, you ignored my advice, and turned to others. The problems never got fixed.
I hope you're happy. This is obviously what you wanted. I always explained how in a direct action to reaction, or how a cause and effect event, can change others around you. You wouldn't listen.
That one aspect, created more tension and problems, than any of your other codependancies.
So, How do I feel?
Betrayed, dismayed, and lost. My life has been turned upside down. I don't know what to do, or where to go.
The pain I feel about losing my family, tears me to pieces!
I'll never be the same.
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July 4
I'm in jail. The last time I was here, was 1993. The only difference between then and now, is my age, and the reasons for my incarceration. When I was 19, I was trying to be someone I wasn't and lashing out in vandalism, while this time, I'm here because of someone I loved.
I'm not denying that the situation could have been handled differently; but this time, I am not guilty of the accusations the Police have charged me with.
I thought that by writing down my thoughts, it would help me to understand things, so this is why I started. I'm not one to keep a dairy per-say, Lord knows I've never kept one, with the exception of my blogsite (which I guess could be called an online diary) but that is a polished rendition of my thoughts and opinions, and doesn't necessarily reflect a personal diary.
I guess, it's really due to the fact that I have no one to send a letter home to. Not anymore. And, so here we are. Hi. Jail sucks big time! Not so much a loss of freedom, but for me, it's a lack of control. This is my codependency; I'm loud, proud and like to be in charge. My life skills are developed on the premise of a reality that most likely will never happen; survival, leadership, weaponry, martial arts, hunting, disaster preparation, and other such types of skills. I always joke, that should disaster occur, I would suddenly find purpose. I would be the normal one. Strange how conflicting I find it, to desire an "apocalyptic event", but at the same time, don't want the death and destruction that comes with it!
Musing aside, there is a revelation associated with being behind bars; I am safe from those trying to cause me pain. This sounds strange, I'm sure, as most believe jail to be a violent harsh place. The stigma, also belies a connotation of criminality, and that too is false. This is a home to many. The correct term for those that have found themselves in my company, could be described as "victims of circumstance". The reasons differ for each individual, however, we all share a commonality; through an isolated incident or poor choice, we have become an offender of the law. The main reoccurring theme for many, is that, once you are absorbed by the system, you become a part of that system. Time and time again, decent, honest people are finding themselves dragged before the legal system, that is not based on justice!
This is the irony. The Canadian judicial system, is not designed to protect the victims, or dispense justice; in a system where wealth can buy freedom, the only one that win in any of this, are the lawyers!
And so, I find myself the victim of a corrupt, unjust legal system. My fate lies with the biggest criminals that Canada can boast. I'll try to keep writing, as it feels good to put pen to paper. Talk to you soon.
Zzorhn
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July 5
It's me again, still in jail. Please forgive the condition of this entry. It's ripped and torn, and I'm sorry about that. Most of my daily entries are written over top of these pictures I keep drawing. Gives me something to do. Well, this on was written over a tattoo quality skull / snake picture, and on of the guys here decided to "age" the paper. This is going to be a bit more personal than my first entry, and less analytical.
Just letting my hair down - hah ha. I was really hoping to be getting out today, but due to a plethora of lies and the events that followed, the crown attorney thinks I'm a risk. Obviously, he has no clue, as to my character. To be honest, I was hoping to fix my future, something that is proving to be extremely difficult, given my situation. Jail, is conducive to helping people rehabilitate! While the judicial system claims it helps people, it has almost the opposite effect! Don't get me wrong, alot of the guy in my block are really decent. The fact that Isolated from being able to conduct business properly is what really rives me crazy; that, and I have no way to protect myself from those that are supposed to love me the most! That, I think, is what hurts the most.
And so, "dear diary", I'll let you go for now. Don't worry, I'll be back.
Zzorhn
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July 6
I am not well. It's lockup time on Friday night, and my mind is dwelling on too many negativities. I just had a visit from one of my friends, who had nothing but bad news. The person or "she-who-shall-not-be-named" is continuing to use more psychological warfare - my entire livelihood is in jeopardy! I have tried to make arrangements to have my sound equipment, paintball equipment, and everything else; and it is being held hostage! I feel utterly helpless!
I'm rotting in jail! I had court again today, which was a huge waste of my time! Delay, delay, delay! My next appearance is Monday, so I'm stuck here all weekend, worrying about the implications of it all, while everything I hold near and dear, is under someone elses control! The part I hate the most? NO ONE is helping me! My God! Why are people so reluctant to help? My mind swims from the sheer ridiculousness of this! I know that such negativity is not helping anything, but when faced with such sheer manipulation AND a subsequent lack of help from the people I love; how am I supposed to feel?
Forgive me, "dear diary", but I warned you. I am in extreme physical pain! My nose was broken, I had two ribs busted, the back of my head is swollen badly, and I'm black and blue all over! I finally got all the pepper spray out of my eyes, a day ago. I just want to go home.
My friends all say, they do not want to become involved, but what they fail to realize,is that they are involved. By choosing inaction, they are siding with the people that put me here; the legal system.
I also just found out today, that my effort to "safeguard" the Wow (World of Warcraft) guild that I have lead for so long, have actually destroyed it. Any manner of structure I developed has been destroyed by the person I left in charge. The rank system, and events are completely gone. I'm pissed off, hurt, and feel betrayed! And I say this with all sincerity, "Fuck" sakes! The way I feel at the moment, I may end up just leaving them behind. There has got to be some consequence for their action; or is it only me, that is forced to feel "cause and effect" in my life?! Fuck my life! Fuck, fuck fuck, fuck!
I need to get out of this hell! Sorry for rambling. Talk to you later.
Zzorhn
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July 6
"Dear Diary"
Just read my last entry. I'm trying so hard to stay positive, but like a tree in a hurricane, my emotional well being is being stripped of everything, baring my soul. I just found two more bruises on my body from the heinous attack by law enforcement. My ribs are still tender from being broken, and my nose still has stitches. I had surgery Wednesday to allow me to breath on my left side, and I can finally smell things again - but my nose is still slightly crooked. I look like a raccoon from the two black eyes I got from when the doctor rebroke it to correct the damage. That's nine times now, that my nose has been broken in my lifetime; including the two times I've had corrective surgery.
I started an investigation into the excessive abuse I endured at the hands of the Fort Frances OPP. I'm very certain that nothing will come out of such proceedings. Cops protect thier own, and I have little faith that I will find justice. Same things with the courts and the legal case surrounding me; I will find no justice! Even should I be found "Not Guilty: in each and ever charge, the damage has been done. Like a bullet fired from a gun, the deed is done, and my life will never be the same.
I still remember the first time I had to be here with distinct clarity. The events and people I have encountered will remain with me forever. Such is my curse! Please forgive me, but I cannot shake this pessimism tonight - as I lay in my bed, locked in a cell, I am reminded of the great beasts that humans have locked up. How they must feel, not understanding why their freedoms have been taken away. I can at least rationalize that there is a purpose to my incarceration.
Well, "Dear diary", they are going to shut off the lights soon, so I'll have to sign out. Talk to you soon. Good night.
Zz
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July 7
I almost slept through the whole night for the first time. The only reason I am up before the guards turn on the lights, is because, someone on the other cell block was rattling their cell door, like a caged animal.
Good morning! It's Saturday. As I lay on my bunk, with the quiet morning sun filtering into the cell, like the bleached white of broken egg shells; I cannot help to wonder what freedom feels like. The lump in my throat is from thirst, and the constant use of government pain killers for my injuries.
Oddly, I cannot recall dreaming last night. That's not me at all! My dreams are usually vivid, colourful and I can usually remember everything. How odd.
Did you know that today marks a full week of being in jail? That's right, a whole week of being locked up on false accusations! Maybe I should start rattling my cell door like some crazed beast to commemorate the occasion. k, maybe not.
Wow! I'm not used to resorting to using a pencil to write, and my finger has a dent in it from scratching like a caveman. I can't wait to get out of here!
Talk to you soon, "Dear diary". I promise.
Zz
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July 7
Lunch time, and again they have served something I cannot eat. In the last 7 days, I've eaten two meals. My cell mate doesn't mind, as he gets all the food I don't want. I'll admit that my stomach hurts from not eating, but it's not like there's a choice in the matter; everything around here is grease, gravy and slops, soups, salads and rubbery cold. The other guys don't seem to mind so much, and eat with exuberance. I miss my cooking!
To keep myself busy, I put in a request for some cleaning supplies; hot water, soap, scrub pad and a pair of rubber gloves. I started with my cell, and ended up helping a few other guys with their "home away from home". The biggest reason I took such an endevour, is because of the dirt, stains, and other unknown resides left over from previous tenants Lord knows what they could be..... but another reason I wanted to scrub down some walls is the graffiti, that litters my cell - scrawling about loves lost, names, dates, and a plethora of dirty poetry. I've always claimed, that those who write thier names on cell walls, are destined to return to clean it off. This has prompted me to not only erase the garbage posted, but. to also refrain from such childish notions. I never want to return to jail, but I said that 21 years ago, when I served 3 1/2 months, for a foolish crime spree, when I was 18.. I am one door down from my old cell.
And here I am again
The jail nurse just called me up to her office to remove the stitches from my face. Apparently it isn't going to scar; a pity, women seem to like scars.
Oh! Here comes the guard with another bucket of water and more cleaning supplies. Guess I'll talk to you later.
Zz
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July 7
Hello again, "Dear Diary". Miss me? In an odd way, I'm really enjoying our little chats. Just feels good, I guess, to write down my thought and share the experience with you. At least I can claim, that I have an outlet for my busy mind. Usually, I type everything on a computer, but I never seem to have the time. Now I have all the time in the world, but no access to a computer. I miss my computer. I promise that once I get out of here, I'll type up these letters for prosperity sake.
They just served supper, and again, I cannot eat what was on the menu; some sort of beef patty with onions, peppers, and an over-baked potato. Dessert was ice-cream, but I khw that will hit my empty stomach like a chemical weapon. Made my cell mate happy to get two suppers and two desserts.
I took it upon myself to clean more this afternoon. Felt good to be making my self useful; almost human, even if only for a little while. The other inmates appreciate my attentiveness to cleanliness, as this place looks like no one ever cleans. I have been busy helping the clean off years of stains and scrawls, but I'll admit, there were a couple of artistic pieces I refused to scrub off - pictures of women, in a variety of poses. I know they are pencil representations and not even necessarily accurate, but even the picture of a nude pencil drawn woman, makes me feel like a man. I really need to feel the touch of a woman, and get of here for some serious sex! Sorry for being so blunt, but I've never lied to you yet, and I don;'t expect to be starting anytime soon.
The guards are taking us outside to go to the yard, and my broken ribs are feeling good enough for a cardiovascular workout - maybe I'll try a bit of jogging.
I promise to write more later. Bye for now.
Zz
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July 7
Hello again, "Dear diary". Saturday night - Wonder what all the free people are doing tonight. Hard to believe, it's exactly one week ago, that I was beat down by the Fort Frances Police. Did I tell you about that yet? No? My bad.
You do know that I'm charged with "Assaulting a Police officer", and "Resisting arrest", right? Well, now you do. Both charges are bullshit! I've always had a fair respect for law enforcement, and was trying to cooperate with the officers that responded.
Perhaps I should go back to the beginning, or at least the part where things go horribly wrong.
After the serious argument I had with my ex-girlfriend, and she ran screaming to another man, I went downstairs to my studio. I'll admit, I cried, sitting tehre alone in the basement. Please don't think less of me, but, I knew that after four years of being with my ex, that things had come to a crashing close. I'm not laying blame in either of us, in this, but I realized that our relationship had run its course. I was tired, upset, frustrated, and just wanted to be left alone.
I put my head down on my desk, and cried.
I must have dozed off after a bit, because I woke with a start. I heard something smash, and the neighbor calling me. I was certain, that he was there to cause some sort of trouble, so I ran to the door that separates our two basement apartments. I stood there for a brief second, and he opened up the door and screamed at me. Not wishing a confrontation, I feld back to my studio, only to realize that the Police had busted in my door and were searching for me, and I found myself sitting down at my desk. My heart sunk!
The Police started all screaming at me, and I stood up and walked toward them, knowing I had to reason with them. The leader officer screamed at me, wanting to talk, so I turned back towards the studio.
Immediately, I was sprayed in the face with pepper spray! Dropping to the floor, I instinctively tore at my face, to stop the stinging chemical from searing my eyes. Suddenly, I felt the inpact of a weapon strike me in the face, seriously breaking my nose! I cried out, "Stop hitting me", and tried to get away from the brutal assault, but the officer kept hitting me, and hitting me. The blood was gushing from my face, and I heard my ribs crack under the weight of his weapon. I kept pleading for them to stop!
They snapped the handcuffs on me, and forced me blind up the stairs. I fell many times, and when I did was brutally picked up by the handcuffs and forced forward. I remember the officer yelling at me to "move", and I distinctly remember crying out, "I'm trying to, you cocksucker"!
Then they lead me through the shattered remains of my front door, to an awaiting ambulance. I was so thankful, when the Police handed me over to the Paramedics! I knew one of them well, and allowed myself to relax. We even joked a little bit.
At that point in time, I seen the peice of fecal matter that had brutally attacked me, and yelled out to anyone that would listen to, "Arrest that mother fucker!" It never happened, as the coward tried to read me my "rights" a couple of hours later. Please understand, that I never tried to attack anyone, including the Police, nor was I trying to "get away" or "resist arrest". Those two false charges are the main reasons why I am still behind bars, not granted bail, or even a "promise to appear", for any of the bullshit charges leveled against me.
At the Police station, I was bleeding so bad (2 pints of more) that I was moved from cell to cell, having "contaminated" two isolation cells to the point where they were deemed a biohazard! My total injuries sustained last Saturday night was a broken nose, (required surgery) two black eyes, stitches on my face, two broken ribs, a concussion, and many, many bruises and welts all over my body. Long story short?? I was black and blue, with red all over........
Well, gotta go. Talk to you soon.
Zz
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July 7
I want to go home. I'm glad it's lock up time, because, when I'm laying on the top bunk, no one can see my tears. I'm strong during the daytime when there are lots of activities to do, but at night, when I'm locked up, I can't get the demons out of my head! I hurt so much! Oh, my God! I just want to go home, walk through that door, and find out that everything was a big misunderstanding, How is it, that I can be surrounded by people, and yet so lonely?
I'm so hungry, and I can't stop crying tonight. I miss my little girl so much! I think the part that really hurts me, is that I'll never get to see her again. I met her when she was two; even though she calls me dad, and acts just like me, she isn't biologically mine. Not that it ever mattered, I am the only daddy she has ever known!
Sorry. Guess I'm feeling depressed about all the loss in my life. I can't get to sleep at night, from the haunting images, and when I do, I wake up from all the nightmares. Can't stop wishing that I had done something different. Anything. Even, if only for her. Truth is, I've lost children before, due to a woman's choosing, and it kills me everytime.
Gotta go. It's hard to write when the paper keeps getting soaked from the tears. Good night.
Zz
P.S. I'm back. Can't sleep, but because it's dark, this may be a tad sloppy. I try to close my eyes, but, all I see is my ex and my daughter's faces. They say time heals all wounds, so maybe I'll lay down, and close my eyes, and things will get better. I sure hope so! The pain in my stomach is not just hunger, but knots. Good night. See you in the morning.
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July 8
Sunday afternoon, marking the eighth day of imprisonment. Not in very good spirits today. Breakfast and lunch were another bust, and I'm getting sick from not eating.
I woke with exuberance today, and started cleaning the cell block immediately. By lunchtime, however, I started getting dizzy. Please understand, I'm not starving myself on purpose, but rather, cannot eat the food they serve. I'm a little scared for my health at this point in time, and I went out of my way to ask the guard if, for only one meal, could they not use gravy or sauces on my food. He said, "We'll see what we can do".
Changing the subject, I just got a visit from a friend.......
.........in all honesty, it only upset me; no one it seems wants to help me. Everyone keeps claiming they don't want to "get involved", or take sides. I keep trying to explain, that by thier inaction, they have taken a side, and it's not mine.
The other at stake, is our online game of "World of Warcraft"; where I was the guild master for our group of friends. We have over 290 people that follow our banner on the Alliance. I realized a couple of days ago that as leader, I am unable to fulfill my commitment, while being incarcerated, so tentatively, I gave my password to one of my good buddies with instructions to "hold the guild in trust, while I am unable to lead". Instead, he changed the ranking system on me.
The other major problem, is that, "she-who-shall-not-be-named" has an account that belongs to the guild, as do all do in our circle of friends. Due to the events of June 30th, I am not allowed contact, either directly or indirectly, with those who were involved; and if we were to remain the same guild, I stand to accidentally violate that court order. When I attempted to explain this situation to the guy I left in charge, he mistakenly thought I was being petty. A second try to explain the situation only ended in more frustration. I really regret transferring the leadership of our guild now, and find myself contemplating the very few remaining options; remain with the guild, some of who were contributing to my incarceration, leave the guild (and all my friends) and join another guild, or spend money to transfer my Alliance toons to the horde. I already know what race my main toon will become, in the case of a faction change - from human, to undead. Please understand, how devastated I am! I actually have a Wow psychosis - I hate horde! We started this guild so our real life circle of friends could play together. Either way this ends, I lose.
FML! I never asked for this! So, it was no surprise, that I cut short my visit, and headed back to my cell. I have instructed the guards to no longer allow any more visits, as everytime I get one, I only end up being frustrated. My explicit instructions were "If anyone comes to see me, just tell them I have exceeded my allotment of weekly visits, and can't have any more". That's a total fabrication, as the guards are extremely kind, and don't usually enforce that rule, unless they are really busy. It's just because each and every time someone comes to see me, it only pisses me off. I'll have to do everything myself once I get out of this hell hole!
Even if I stay with my guild, things will never be the same anyway; a fresh start may be a good thing. Who knows?
Guess what! They served a big turkey supper and I was given special treatment - no gravy or unwanted garnishes! My gawd it tasted so good! Even though the portions were fairly small (compared) I filled my stomach. Felt bloated after eating, since that's the third meal I've eaten in eight days.
I have court tomorrow, and really don't want to get my hopes up, but it is possible, that I could be released on bail. If I do, I'll be typing up these letters. I've actually enjoyed our little conversations, and getting my thoughts down on paper, feels good. At least you understand. Thank you for being with me, during this darkk time. I'll talk to you later.
Zz
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July 8
Lock up time.
I'm trying hard to not get my hopes up, that tomorrow I'll get released. The guys here are pretty sure I will, but I would hate to get denied and crushed. Truth is, my emotional state is that of depression and elation. I don't like being in here, yet I feel safe. Sounds strange, I'm sure, but here, those responsible cannot hurt me anymore.
What I do look forward to, upoon release, is a real meal, and catching up with freinds. I'll be trying hard to move on, but I am going to be extremely cautious about serious with another woman. I'm getting tired of being hurt by those I love the most! Seems to be the trend, the ones that hurt me the most, are the ones I love the most. I don't get that at all, but history keeps proving that old adage right, time and time again, What I plan to do, is secure lodgings for myself, and try and get my personal belongings back, and move on. I want to concentrate on my show, "The Zzorhn & Bingorage Show", as it's not only fun, but a great outlet for my energy. Who knows? It may become something someday.
I also want to go fishing again. There are many thigns I want to do, but the future isn't written in stone. Who knows what tommorrow might bring? All I can do, is pray, and work hard at staying out of trouble.
Want to hear my new pickup line? "I just got out of jail, and I'm horny". Should work! Any takers? I'm a single man, and I plan to stay that way for a while. I'm always so serious about relationships. Just trying to look at the bright side of things. Bury myself into my work, and not jump into anything. That's the plan. I don't want to jump the gun and say I'm going to party my head off, as I don't know if I'm going to be released, what my stipulations might be. Who knows what tomorrow might bring. Wish me luck!
Well, time to go. I'll see you on the street real soon, God willing. Can't wait! Talk to you soon!
Zz
______________________
July 9
Well, I'm back from court. I had an extremely difficult decision this morning; attempt a bail hearing on my own, and possibly lose my chance to get out of jail, or wait a WHOLE WEEK for my lawyer to represent me, next Monday. I chose to stay in jail.
Thing is, I want to do this right - I'm fighting each and every charge and accusation that has been leveled at me. They have dropped three charges already, and I'm told the rest of my charges will wash out too. Apparently, my lawyer is one of the best; guess we'll see. So anyway, I get another week of our little conversations.
You know, jail isn't really so bad considering; or at least for some guys. It really has to do with how you conduct yourself - the unwritten rules of jail, or as I like to call it, "the code". People that ignore such rules quickly find themselves alienated or worse! For example, you are not allowed to whistle in jail; not because it means "happiness" but rather, a man walking to his death is catcalled and whistled at. Another unwritten rule, is the level of respect shown - you pay respect to get respect.
The obvious rule, is to keep your mouth shut. A "rat" is not tolerated at all! You see anything "go down" you just turn your head, and shut up.
In many ways, the jail is run by those serving time, Those that don't follow the rules can find themselves thrown in "the hole" (isolation) or much worse. Not a problem for me, as I seem to have garnished a healthy level of respect from many of my new freinds. In reality, most of us are in the same boat - a victim of circumstance, a product of the system, with many based on childhood trauma. I actually wouldn't mind meeting up with a few of the guys in here on the outside for a beer. That's all anyone here really wants to do - get out of here with some semblance of sanity. Talk to you soon.
Zz
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July 9
Hey. Remember our conversation this afternoon about the unwritten code? I got to see the results this evening; one of the new guys here requested to go to isolation for his own protection. Even I couldn't stand him. Total lack of respect, and later, I found out he was a rat; one of the men on the other cell block, is serving time because of him! I wouldn't give his future much chance - a young punk that was trying to act tough, and wouldn't listen to anyone, quickly found out who the boss was. We won't see him again, I'm honestly amazed he didn't get hurt!
Anyway, enough about that loser, how are you doing tonight? Today went by fast for me. Here it is lockup time already. That's just the way it goes - some days are better than others, I feel good tonight. I'm hungry, because I didn't eat again tonight, but the phone call I got from mom made me happy. Turns out, she's doing all she can to help, and I really appreciate that. Thanks mom! I love you! I know I'm not perfect, but somehow you stay with me.
Gotta go because it's lights out. Talk to you soon. Have a good night.
____________________________
July 10
Tuesday today. One of the guys was granted bail today; he left for court this morning, and never came back. Just as quickly, the bed was filled. I kept myself busy again, by tackling the task of cleaning more walls and cells. Not sure what they putting the coffee this morning, but everyone seems to be in a bratty mood.
Meanwhile, today seems to be taking a long time for me. I woke up too early this morning, and couldn't get back to sleep. Many of the guys take naps during the day but I can't. So I laid on my top bunk just thinking about things. As my mind wandered, I realized, I have been trying too hard, to keep things the same, even though my world has been changing. This epiphany is rather profound! Pick any aspect - love, career, family, friends, and even where I live! My struggle to keep things the same is the source of my frustration and stress. And so, I've decided to make some tough choices - I'm going to sell both of my companies. Don't get me wrong, I'm not running from my problems, but rather, taking a realistic, proactive stance for my future. There comes a point in every man's life, where he realizes he needs to change; this is my time. It actually feels good to say that! How odd!
Let's just hope I stay true to me, and don't change too much. Another aspect of my life that I am going to change, is how I deal with relationships. Too often I jump into a steady relationship and get tied down. I'm very loyal, but I've realized that may be a failing at this point in time - stay single, and don't rush into anything. That's the new plan.
Funny thing, when I close my eyes at night, there is still a woman that haunts my dreams and makes me smile. I can't tell you who though, as that would be an exercise in futility - let's just call it a long lost love. Just thinking about her helps me get through the day, even though I know it can never be. Ssssshhhhhh......don't tell anyone. It'll be our little secret.
Anyway, I'll talk to you soon, I promise. Bye for now.
Zz
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July 10
Was asked a really interesting question today; what's the first thing you want to do, when you get out. I took an excited breath and then realized, I don't know! My future is so unknown at this point, I can't even guess what I'll do. Being as I've eaten 4 meals now in ten days, I would love something real to eat! After that, I really want to go online and check my mail, Since I'm now a single man, I'll get a box of condoms, because, you never know, right? I have to find a place to live, so that's definitely a priority. A beer, would be awesome! What don't I want to do?
Each day that passes in here, seems so surreal - I guess I'd just like my life back. Unfortunately, that's not an option. I'm selling most of my possessions, and moving on. Life for me, will never be the same. Anyway, It's bedtime. Cya in the morning.
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July 11
Wednesday morning. I had an extremely vivid dream last night - almost a premonition. I seen myself trying several different types of jobs; but was never satisfied with any of them. There was no sense of fulfillment no matter where I went or what I did. In my dream, I had a pet bird locked up in a cage. It was clearly upset, crying out and banging into the bars, so I let it out. The bird started to fly around the room, although still clearly upset. I walked over to the window and unlocked it, and then opened the window a little bit. Immediately, the bird flew out, singing happily. Even though it upset me to release the bird, it made me feel good to do so.
I imagine the symbolism of the bird is my soul; trapped and begging to be released, and only once I set ot free, did it find true joy. So it is, that I need to find my inner peace, by releasing myself of the cage built around my heart. No matter where I go, I'm still trapped by my own hand.
The cage feels familiar and comforting, and the unknown future of freedom is frightening! How strange is that?
What I need to do, is spread my wings, and fall, trust in myself, and believe I can fly. Only then, will I truly be happy.
Zz
___________________
July 10
So I managed to down the greasiest burger I have ever seen for lunch, so that's five meals in eleven days. Now I don't feel so good. The day is dragging its ass again. As I said before, I have good ones and bad ones. I'm going to lay down for a bit. Cya soon.
_____________________
July 10
This day is taking forever! Supper consisted of grease-soaked fries, and soggy fish. So that ups my total meals consumed to six total. I'm paying for it!
My mood is different today as well. I'm tired of the constant comedy channel, and the "school yard mentality". I crave news, and the chance for a decent conversation! One of the guys here is very astute to my temperament, and took the time to see if I was ok. Thank God for him! His direct observations were a breath of fresh air, in the stagnant, chocking confines of my cage.
_____________________
July 12
It's Thursday afternoon. Just another day. Not much to report. Still haven't heard anything from my lawyer.
The guards did a search today, and took my extra blanket. If it's some attempt to assert dominance or control, all they did was demonstrate how lame they are. I'm tired of being hungry, sick of the garbage on TV, and can't stand having to remain "on guard all the time, I just need some alone time, and some semblance of normalcy.
Just remember, this is dead-time, as I haven't been found guilty of the false accusations leveled by the Police; in the end it's a huge waste of time. Please excuse me if I sound bitter, but I'm sick of this shit!
Zz
__________________
July 13
It's Friday the Thirteenth!! Normally, I have a really good day when this particular day rolls around. Today? Not so much. I finally heard from my lawyer today - turns out he's not going to be available to come to court on Monday morning! I passed along my bail plan, so hopefully, regardless of him missing court, I'll be able to have my hearing. I'm determined to go for my bail on Monday; I have to - I can't get anything done in jail. I've actually thought really hard about my future while I'm in here, and I'm going to follow my dreams.
__________________
July 14
Not in the best of spirits today. This place has become like a blister to me; painful, irritating, and I just want it to go away. No matter how hard I try to make the best of things, it is only getting worse! I guess it's mostly due to the fact - I am not guilty of the accusations I'm charged with! This fact screeches in the back of my mind like someone scratching their nails on a chalkboard! I'm tired of the sheer futility of it all! I'm tired of the lack of control! I'm tired of being hungry! I'm tired of "looking on the bright side"! I'm tired of waiting for others to take me seriously! I'm tired of the games! I'm tired of the cramped quarters and the bars! I'm tired of the cold steel! I'm tired of the fickleness of grown men! I'm tired of the head games by those responsible for me being here! I'm tired of the lack of assistance by my family and friends! I'm tired of a lack of privacy! I'm tired of writing by hand, instead of being able to type! I'm tired of the garbage TV programs! I'm tired of wasting my time! I'm tired of having to wear earplugs to sleep! I'm tired of the corrupt law enforcement! I'm tired of not being allowed the humanity of love! I'm tired of being respectful to people who don't reciprocate! I'm tired of waiting! I'm tired of being in jail!
Not sure how I'm going to react on Monday, if I'm denied bail! It's Saturday afternoon, and my chest is painfully tight from nervous tension about court on Monday! I'm getting nothing done rotting in this cell! I just want to get my affairs in order, and start my life over. There are many things I want to do, and I cannot do anything behind these bars. This is not negativity, but realistic fact. I've never been more serious in all my life!
Zz
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July 15
Sunday afternoon, and I'm still stuck in jail on false accusations. I'm scared that I'm never going to get out of here. My mindset is not healthy, and I'm growing more and more depressed each passing day. It's like the light at the end of the tunnel, is actually the caboose brake-lights, moving rapidly away. The light is growing dim. I've been this way for a couple of days now.
I have court again tomorrow, and I'm certain it will be another waste of my time! I no longer have dreams of being promptly released from my hell. My optimism has been broken, by a system designed to punish the victims! My personal prediction for court, is a plethora of realistic facts; the judge won't show up, the judge will be having a bad day, the lawyers won't listen, or even yet those pledging to help me will change their mind.
Sorry for being so negative, but at this point, that all I have left! So I'm going to "get through" today and go see what bullshit can occur at court. At least I'm not deluding myself anymore, right? I'm not even sure if I'm going to publish these memoirs as I promised. Guess we'll see.
Tried to call my dad today. No answer Last time we spoke, it didn't end well. Hope that's not the reason he chose not to pick up the phone. I'll try another time. It's now Saturday night and I'm really anxious about court tomorrow. Good God, I hope things work out! I tried to call dad a couple more times, but still no answer. I really want to talk to him.
Changing the subject, I'm not having s good day at all. I'm now being harassed by a couple of the inmates! Lights out.
______________________
July 16
Well, the guy who was supposed to show up for court hearing slept in!! Are you fucking kidding me?! I'm now stuck in this hell-hole for another week! ARGH! Not pleased!
I'm sick of this shit! I may stop writing, as I've noticed I'm only getting bitter and I've run out of things to say. Talk to you later, maybe.....
______________________
July 17
Hello again. It's Tuesday, July the seventeenth. I know yesterday I claimed that the journal entries may stop. Things have changed.
I was moved out of general population this morning; I am now in the kitchen wing. There are only four of us, in a larger room. The AC isn't on full blast, and I'm not resigned to having to wear my jumpsuit all the time; just have to wear shirt and shorts now. I have full access to cleaning supplies now without having to ask, and i made good use of them, cleaning my bunk. The guys seem quieter and less prone to childish pranks - such as pantsing, slamming books / slapping, and other numerous "pranks". The guards rarely bother us too; left alone for periods of time instead of constant vigil.
For the first time in weeks, I have relaxed.
_________________________________
July 17
Well, I've had quite a day! I merely have to ask for cleaning supplies to get them now, and I made good use of that opportunity. I not only ate breakfast (pancakes), but was served a wonderful meal for supper; making it the eighth and ninth meal I've eaten in 18 days!
I can't stress how much better this range is. Today is going by much quicker than normal it seems.
Changing the subject, I received a phone call from "Child Protection Services". Apparently, they are investigating my daughter's condition. The fact that I was the primary-caregiver is most likely the reason. You watch "she-who-shall-not-be-named" blame me for the investigation. I miss my little girl so much! I am going to see if there are any chances of getting some sort of visitation rights. We'll see......
________________________________
July 18
Hello, "Dear Diary". Miss me?
I've been trying to get through to my father, but will have to wait until Sunday for that. Not as much to do today, and the day isn't going by as fast as yesterday did; I've won solitaire twice today. Other than that, things are good.
I've been having weird dreams for the last two nights. I keep getting ""visited" by my ex-girlfriends, or at least the significant ones; four in total. Each dream about each woman shows in vivid detail their faces, bodies, etc, however, during my waking hours I cannot picture them in my mind. The dreams are about places and events in my life with a slight twist; I ca manipulate and control my dreams. I try desperately to warn each woman about the circumstances that lead to our breaking off of our relationship. All rebuke me, and laugh, when I warn them, making claims and vows of love and devotion. I woke feeling frustrated as well as lonely. The clarity of each scenario is vividly detailed and I understand each one; but they always say that hindsight is "20/20" I can't help but feeling "what if".
Well, gotta go.....
________________________
July 19
More dreams. When I wake, I want to go back to sleep, to dream. In my dreams, I am once again in the arms of my lover. It's the same dream again and again. Her smile, the twinkle in her eyes, and everything about her excites me! I try to warn her about the reasons our relationship is going to end, but she won't listen. Frustrated, I wake up from the adrenaline.
Hello again. It's Thursday afternoon and I'm still stuck in my purgatory nightmare! I can't get in contact with anyone I need to, in order to get my life back on track, and I'm simply rotting to death. For those keeping track, it's day 20 and I've eaten a total of 10 meals now - I've lost 4 pounds according to the nurse. (Most guys here gain weight)
I'm sick of doing nothing.
________________________
July 19
Lock up time. Once again,I'm frustrated with my friends. I've been told that in life, you will have five friends that can be depended on no matter what.....this event is clearly separating the wheat from the chaff. Just wish it didn't have to be so painful.
I guess I miss the innocence of ignorance that blanketed my eyes. I surmise, that my suffering will bring about a new strength and direction in my life. Just wish I wasn't so lonely, or hurt so much!
Love always, Zz
___________________________
July 20
It's Friday!
Another dream last night; same lover that wouldn't heed my hind-sighted advice. I couldn't impart the reasons for our relationship going South, no matter how hard I tried. It's like being on a train, knowing how the ride is going to end, with no chance to deviate or alter the direction the train is going.
The rest of the dream detailed my effort to be the best I can regardless of the task; only to go unnoticed by those around me - Another reflection on my life. Any effort to take on more responsibilities and do my best, results in disaster, by those in charge. It's like, the harder I try, the more I am criticized and rebuked by everyone! Talk about a reflection of reality. I feel as though, I could climb the highest mountain with all of the answers to humanities plights, and no matter how hard I try or loud I shout., no one listens! You see this kind of attitude prevalent in today's society; even when presented with solid evidence about any aspect of humanity, out of sheer desire to refuse the warnings, the evidence is ignored! Modern medicine is an excellent example of this; common sense is ignored and a virtual plethora of mind-numbing poor judgement is enacted. The overuse of antibiotics are administered, creating super-viruses that no medicine can kill! Couple that with life-saving procedures for people with genetic anomalies, and we modern humans are creating ticking-time-bombs, waiting to explode, unleashing an epidemic of unprecedented proportions!! In our vanity, we believe, that by our modern surgical intervention and prevalent drug use, we are somehow bettering our race. All this is done in spite of the advice, scientific evidence, historical references, and common sense that a great many have suggested!
In this way, I feel my advice and warnings also fall on deaf ears! One could easily ask "why"? Why bother to attempt to make a difference? Why bother to endevour to "better" myself? Why not remain anonymous and like everyone else around me, do the bare minimum to just get by? I answer simply - I am, who I am. I cannot help myself, to do what I do, anymore than those that surround me. I believe, it is not so much the end result that I strive so hard to attain, but it is the effort itself that is the focus of my endevours. I'm just being who I am. Just wish people would listen.....
________________________
July 21
"Know thy enemy" - Napoleon Bonepart
Every single world leader, either past or present, has realized the importance of information. Knowledge is the most fundemental factor to success! Regardless of the situation or individual, the key to everything is understanding the information available. When events occur, how we react, is based on our knowledge at hand and our past experiences.
This is not the first time that a woman has created legal problems for me. I'm not sure why, but a couple of my past lovers would create problems; some would even hit me - slap the back of my head, or slap me in the face. Each time, I was confused and conflicted by this; I know it is wrong to hit someone. Each time this occurred, an argument, to some extent, ensued. Based on past experience, my frustration would focus on not only the legal ramifications of a physical fight, but, also the destruction that out-of-control fighting created.
So when such an occurrence presented itself to me, I would try to impart the lessons learned or flee. My training in unarmed and armed combat, has taught me how to fight, but also, the discipline and respect that comes with such training. It is wrong to hit a woman. I have on occasion, defended myself from the attack of a lover, using bare-minimum force; it is neither pride, pleasure, or anger that ever compelled me to do so - no one will stand idle when being physically attacked.
Unfortunately, this is seen as aggression, and when law enforcement become involved, the male of the relationship is always blamed. This prevalent sexist attitude, is not just my plight - a great many men suffer from this unjust predicament.
And so it is, that I am currently before the Ontario court, for an event that did not occur. So much for Justice.
__________________________________
July 21
I thought I knew my friends. Personality and character are not fickle attributes - a man usually cannot change these; in the same way a tiger cannot become spotted, like a leopard. In this way, I was wrong; I grievously misjudged those I loved. Recent events have shown the error of judgement - those I love are not who they appeared to be. My heart grieved when I learned the truth of those two. With the exception of a bare few, I feel betrayed and lost! I have learned the truth - and now realize that my life will never be the same. This is both a blessing and a curse.....
......the future, while unknown, will occur with my eyes open.
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July 22
Sunday evening. I'm locked up for the night. I have court tomorrow; another showing, where I spend the morning locked up in a tiny isolation cell, waiting for my chance at a hearing for bail. Again, anything can go wrong.
Last week, the man that was supposed to be my "assurity" didn't show up! Each time something goes wrong! Fact is, anything CAN go wrong, and put me back in jail for another week!
I'm so negative now! I don't dare hope for release anymore - I don't want to jinx myself! I'm so tired of being disappointed! I remember last Sunday night, being all anxious and excited, only to end up all depressed and pissed off, come Monday afternoon.
So here I am, the lights are going out soon, and I'll lay awake on my bed, not wanting to hope, that I may be a free man tomorrow afternoon.
Guess we'll see.........
____________________________
July 23
Back from court. Turns out I'm here for another week. My friend showed up today, but the crown attorney didn't. Told you so; my undecided fate is prone to the whimsy fickle justice system, that is Fort Frances. I hate to say it, but my resignation of jail, is wearing on me to a point of comfort. I can easily see how some people become accustomed to a life of incarceration.
Please don't get me wrong, I need to get the hell out of here! I'm seriously jonsing for the touch of a woman, and the feel of a keyboard! A decent meal, and a cold beer would also do nicely!
I guess what I'm saying is, there is no real point in having an emotional attachment to the concept of freedom - even if freed on bail, with assurity, I will be captive to circumstances. I will be monitored, and under conditions; freedom is a n illusion. I'm not going "home", and can never do so again.
My entire life has changed, and nothing will ever be the same again! This is my truth; I may as well enjoy what has been given me. To do otherwise, it would appear, is an exercise in futility........
_____________________________
July 24
Wow! I got a visit from a woman from my dreams! I'm not kidding! If you remember, I've written a couple of times about my extremely vivid dreams about a certain woman; mostly having to do with the hindsight of our relationship.
Well, this evening, she came to see me. Don't read between the lines; we're just friends. Good friends - life has placed too many roadblocks between us for anything else. She looks exactly like I remember.
I won't lie, I broke down and cried. Of all the people that really matter, just seeing her made me tear up.
Our visit was good; if anything she has really good advice. I could tell it upset her to see me in this condition. I have to get my life on track. I don't ever want to see her look at me with such disappointment again! Not to sound cliche, but, I really need to get back, to being "me". I'm scared, that's not possible, especially where I'm considering moving; Thunder Bay. If anything, Thunder By is just a big Fort Frances, and a bigger opportunity for me to get in trouble. Ok, I'm being semantic; I'm just scared of going to a place that I know nothing about, to be completely alone, doing a job for a man that has never been there....
.....hope he never finds my blogsite.
Well, I'm going to do my utmost best. I owe it to myself, and to her.
Zz
________________________
July 25
So.....................................
....my father cannot help me. Why am I not surprised? He is too busy to come and swear in court, in an effort to get me released from jail. This changes everything!
My entire plan to move to Thunder Bay and get a job, are now on permanent hold.
I'm ticked off, but not surprised. In some ways, I'm very relieved that I won't be subjected to my father's whims. I guess it just hurts to be once again abandoned by him.
So, plan "C". I guess. I seriously doubt that I'm ever getting out of jail! At this point in time, I'll settle for almost anyone to step up, and help me. WOW! This sucks!
I'll keep you informed.
__________________________
July 26
Uummmm...... Lots of things just happened.
I had quite a busy day. Had an excellent phone call from my mom, and a meeting with the real estate broker to sell my paintball park. That in itself was more progress than I've accomplished in two weeks!!
I had constrained myself to a quiet night, when one of the guards comes to get me for a visit. I wasn't expecting anyone, so I had no clue who it was; i remember asking the guards if it was a man or woman. (they didn't know) So I nearly fell over, when I walked into the visitation room, and seen the woman in my dreams.
She came back! The last thing she had ever said to me (the last visit) was "I'm not coming back, because, I don't want to see you again in here". She came back, tonight!
I know why, as we had one of the best conversations we have had in years. Let me start at the beginning....
.....the phone call this morning to my mom, was about getting someone to be my assurity. In the phone call, we discussed the intricacies of someone taking responsibility for me, in the role of being my asssurity; not just anyone can take on the role. In fairness, it would have to be someone who could promise to put me under "house arrest" for up to two months, wouldn't mid the interruption to their life (or family for that matter), has room, and although I would want to pay for food and possibly lodging, could understand the importance of the situation. No easy feat.
Neither my mom or I could think of anyone that could legitimately fulfill that role! The complexities are too much, apparently, for most people; couple that with the fact, this whole situation has shown my "friends" in the purest light - too remote or distant, too involved with family, or too fickle. This is not negativity, but realistic. The honest fact remains, those I called freinds, threw me to the wolves - metaphorically speaking. So it is, that I have virtually noone that is willing to take responsibility and help me.
Knowing this, I told my mom to start contacting a few select people, to think of anyone that might fulfill the role of assurity. I blurted out a couple of names, and listened to my mom's displeasure of the people I was considering; my instructions were simple, "write or phone them" (3 people total) and ask them if they knew anyone.
So what does mom do? She writes a message to the woman in my dreams, with instructions to go "see my son ASAP"! Now I know that "moms know best", or so the story goes, and I didn't realize her admiration and love for this woman; but I was told that she gave instructions to "go help my son"
NB: My mom legitimately cares for me. Her motives are simplistic - only desiring the best for me.
Anyway, once we figured out that I had not left such instructions to rush over to see me, I explained that I was looking for someone to act as my assurity. She thought for a few seconds, then replied, "no". She expressed how much she wanted to help me, but I explicitly told her that I didn't want to create problems for her. I only want the best for her family and happiness. Besides, I know the guy she is with, and I wouldn't jeopardize his happiness either. So she agreed to try hard to find someone that might be able to help me; but I tried hard to impart that there is no expectations or pressure on my behalf. After all, everyone else has abandoned me, right?
Suddenly, I realized something; she never lost her faith in me. After all this time, she had not given up on me. That is the revelation in all of this; our friendship obviously knows no bounds. Faith in character, faith in strength, and faith in each other, has stood the proverbial test of time.
So, mom, and a couple of good friends still believe in me! I'm almost at a loss, as to the magnitude of this. Guess we'll see what happens.
Zz
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July 29
Haunting dream, prevent sleep. Three disturbing dreams, each one representing an aspect of my past - the lakeshore cabin I spent a great deal of my youth, the paintball park where I spent my later years (16+) and my Grandparent's house.
In each dream, strangers owned them; the cabin was sold years ago, my Grandparent's house is now rented out to non-family, and I'm currently in the process of selling my park. I have never met the people that now own the cabin or house, and I've never been back to either.
The disturbing part of all three dreams, involved supernatural forces, and I was being pursued. It should be noted, that in all the dreams, there was major physical changes to the infrastructures, furniture, and trees / gardens. While they were all different, they all shared a common theme - the passing of family owned facilities to people that didn't appreciate them. I surmise, this is my subconscious mind trying to rationalize the choice of my selling the paintball park; creating "monsters" that wreak havoc and destruction to places that I love. The fact that I was powerless to stop the destruction is the irony.
I'll be honest, I really don't want to sell my property. The main reason I am doing this is financial - I cannot maintain it, and I need money. Sort of a catch "22" really. The other reason I am selling it, is, all my friends have outgrown paintball and camping. All have family, or have moved away. No longer will I be hosting big field parties, where two hundred or more people show up for a bonfire - too much liability, and I'm an older man. Couple all that, with the simplistic fact that the Rainy River District is dying, and it is fruitless to think about holding onto the property for future use; so the idea of a place to retire is redundant.
So it is, unhappily, that I am selling my property in Devlin. It is my hope, that by doing so, so I am bettering myself and ensuring a successful future.....
Zz
_______________________
July 29
Sunday evening. Again, I await the tension of another day in court. It's supposed to be my bail hearing, with the possibility of release. Where have I heard that before?
My lawyer and I will meet tomorrow, and my assurity is promising to be there. Still, anything can go wrong, resulting in not only a possible remand, or even denied bail. It's hard to not get my hopes up though!
I need to get out of here, so I can attend to many things, and get my life back on track again. I would love to go on Facebook, and check my messages, block a few undesirable people, and attempt some "damage control". A pizza, and the chance to breath free air, also sounds good!
Thirty days in jail, based on lies is enough!
Not to sound crass, but I also desire the touch of a woman. Even the simple things in life sound great! Please God! Grant me the freedom I so require! Amen!
Zz
___________________________
July 30
Back from court. I made one of the most difficult decisions I've had to make in a long time! The crown attorney made me a deal that I could't refuse; although it meant I would have to plead guilty to crimes I didn't commit!
I was charged with 1 mischief, 1 resisting arrest, 1 assault on a Police officer, and 4 counts of assault. (of which, the mischief is the only thing I may be guilty of) My plea bargain, now means, I will plead guilty to the assault on Police, 1 count of assault, and the mischief; in return the other charges will be dropped.
On September 5th, I go back to court, and on that day, I will be a free man - time served. It also means, that I will now have an assault charge on my criminal record!
My life is never going to be the same again.
__________________________
37 days to freedom. I'm pledging to change my life for the better; starting with a vow to stay out of relationships. Don't get me wrong.....
....... I can't wait to get a piece of tail! Just, no steady relationships!
It actually feels good, knowing my fate - even though it means I miss my summer this year. Things could have been much worse. I just need to stay true to me, and be the best that I can be.....One day at a time....
___________________________
July 31
I just wrote a couple of letters. Really wish I had access to a computer - this writing everything with a pencil sucks! I also wish I had more people to correspond with; seriously jonsing for social media. Other than that, things are well; doing my best to get my affairs in order, considering the situation. I'm buying up buyers for the property, and most of my equipment.
I'm making plans (and breaking plans) for my future, and trying to determine where I go from here. Lord knows, I don't want to go back down this road ever again - love lost, incarcerated, broken dreams, and money lost. This is a major turning point in my life! I can either benefit from it, or ignore the possibilities. Wish me luck!
____________________________
August 3
I have an odd longing - to sit in a chair. At the moment, the only places to sit is a windowsill, a hard wooden stool, and the floor. I cannot even sit on my bed, as the distance between that and the ceiling are not enough to allow me to sit upright. In short, there is no where I can comfortably sit, for any great length of time.
Almost as though, a piece of dignity is being denied, making me feel a little less human; I desire a chair. To sit, to relax, that in of itself seems so mundane, and taken for granted. I look forward to my release from this affront, and I seek to regain my humanity. The tiny intricacies that we too often overlook, have now become glaringly obvious to a man who has lost everything! I eagerly look forward to such things and more; peace, quiet, respect, honesty, individualism, love, comfort, choice, and man, many other aspects of life that incarceration strips away.
Through all of this, however, I am trying hard to stay true to who I am. They can take away all my freedoms, but, they cannot change who I am.
I still want a chair though.....
__________________________
August 4
Dark dreams, dark thoughts, and I awoke to a gloomy day. Saturday, the last day of another week spent incarcerated, as an innocent man. I slept poorly, waking often from haunting dreams about lost love, lost possessions, and lost respect. While I have to remind myself that past relationships had a reason they ended, and material possessions can be replaced, they still hurt. I also have to remember, that anyone that believes rumours and speculation about me, is not someone I want to have in my life. It matters not how I am being perceived by others, as long as I know the truth - those that are fickle enough to believe speculation, are undeserving of my respect.
In the end, it is all just a dream.
___________________
August 9
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!! The guards moved me - not because of something I've done (or haven't done) but because of some jackass that no one wants on their range.
So now, instead of civility and cleanliness, I'm once again dealing with "school-yard mentality". FML!! Back to depression, excessive noise, watching my back, and NOW I don't even have free access to a shower! I'm pissed off and my insides are all twisted up up from the range of emotions coursing through me! ARGH!
Zz
_____________________
August 9
Lock up. Still pissed off.
The guards tell me, that I may get to go back to my cell in the kitchen wing, when a bed clears out. I'll believe that when it happens! FML!
Why couldn't they just leave me alone to serve out the rest of the BULLSHIT time I have left in this hellhole?! I know I've said it before, but if I had done something wrong to warrant being incarcerated like this, I may not mind as much, however, since I'm not guilty of the charges that have imprisoned me, I'm numb from the pain!
The only thing that makes me feel a little better, is the knowledge that karma has a way of rectifying things. Those that are responsible for this situation, will someday realize their mistake; not through my actions, but merely karma, righting-the-wrong.
I pray for the little girl, however, that has to suffer. It's so unfair that others, have to suffer for someone else s mistakes. I miss my little girl! My God! My heart hurts.......
_________________________
August 10
Friday night, and I'm still locked away, like some beast in a cage. A great many days in my purgatory still remain. Each day, each hour, that I rot behind these cold walls is an insult to all that is just! Forgive me, if I sound bitter for a second day in a row, but I still languish on a range that limits me; no shower, filthy, lacking proper room to move, and stinking of ass!!
I put in a request this morning to be moved back to the quieter, cleaner kitchen range - older men, with a propensity for debate and civility. Still, either way, I am an innocent man locked up, from lies.
Even upon my release, my life will never be the same! I have spent a great deal of time thinking about what to do and where to go when I am a free man - I have no plan to run away, staying in the Rainy River District for now. Perhaps, in time, I may choose to leave, but not now. I have many things to do yet, and wish to get a job with family for now. Who knows what the future might bring.......
_________________________
August 16
In a weird twist of fate, my life has taken a turn where I am forced to accept things; I am going to have to find and furnish a new house, get a new vehicle, find a new job, and someday find another woman to love. (possibly a new family)
Naturally, I'm apprehensive! Who wants to start over?!? Not only is it going to cost a fortune to re-establish myself, but it is rife with stress; not-to-mention the displacement of belongings and self! It also affords an opportunity for a new life; the possibility of a fresh start - new faces, and a new chance to make things right.
It also allows me the chance to find love again......
__________________________
August 19
Dreams are the window to the soul. During my incarceration, my dreams have been a multitude of different types; fleeting and detailed - like I'm seeing my life flash before my eyes.
Last night, my dreams were disturbingly vivid; having woke in a sweat, I didn't want to close my eyes for fear of seeing such detailed imagery again. I lay on my hard bunk, wrestling with the raw emotions that had surged me awake. Adrenaline coursed through my veins, and I knew that I had cried out in my sleep; I hope no one heard me talking in my sleep! (The last couple of nights I have done so - calling out to friends and loved ones)
I seen her again. We were discussing the incident of June 30th, and both of us were upset that things had gone the way they did. I was back in my old house again, sitting on the couch, talking about our relationship. She admitted how sorry she was, and how she realized that the mistakes we made had caused us so much pain. I was choking back tears, and telling her how sorry I was, for not saving something from supper for her to eat (the reason we argued on Saturday June 30th) I was told her how much I missed my little girl, and she said to go say hi to her, pointing to the bedroom.....
....then I woke up. Struggling with the bitter sweet imagery, I closed my eyes in desperation; hoping to fall asleep and continue dreaming. I didn't. Suddenly, I was back in the house being beat by Police, while my girlfriend stood there laughing at me! They kept hitting me, and hitting me, while I cried out for them to stop! Then I was awake again.......
......I didn't want to close my eyes after that! The bright light in the jail prevents peaceful sleep on a regular basis, but last night, they were so bright I could read. So I sat there, in my bed reading, if only to keep from sleeping again.
Suddenly a guard appeared, and looked at me surprised; I should have been sleeping. I tried to explain "that the lights were so bright, I thought I should read". I didn't him to see that I had been crying, and barely heard what he said to me. Then the lights dimmed - not enough to properly sleep, but enough so I couldn't read anymore. In a surreal state, I willed myself to lay down again......
......and for the rest of the night I drifted between restless sleep and a state of painful awareness. I may get out of jail someday, but I will always bear the emotional scars from this.
I miss my daughter.
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August 22
I had a visit last night from one of my friends. It felt really great to see him! I haven't had many visits, and it was a different change to my repetitive routine - a very welcome reprieve. Most of my time spent rotting in this purgatory is monotonous; same thing, day in and day out. Each day is a constant reminder of the bullshit lies spewed by the fickle friendship of of my former neighbour and my now-ex-girlfriend! I know why they both did it; which only makes things more painful. So when I was able to visit with one of my real buddies, it made me feel a little better. I can't wait to get the fuck out of this hell!
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I was recently moved back to the kitchen wing of the Fort Frances Jail. Civility and the comfort of not having to constantly watch my back. It also affords me the opportunity to clean and keep myself busy. My disposition is also bettered by the change of venue; I'm able to do more workouts and relax. More to follow.......
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The keyholes in a jail are akin to magic. You can close a cell door many times, but until the key is turned in the keyhole, the door remains open / unlocked. The average keyhole is relatively simplistic, while a keyhole in a jail is much more complex (and sturdy, logically)
All keyholes in jail are quite large, and the keys are heavy-duty since they are used repetitively, everyday. (also for security reasons) Keyholes that size also provide an opportunity for those that are living behind bars. You can see easily through them; it's common to see inmates peering through the keyholes of the heavy metal doors. This is where the magical properties of a keyhole really occurs. It provides entertainment, information, and more! When the volume of voices increases on the other side of the door, and you can hear the guards issuing orders, you can watch as the whole cell block is locked down. Messages are passed back and forth through keyholes. It even offers a rare opportunity to spy on the female guards working on the other ranges - discreetly, watching them sashay back and forth.
Keyholes are wondrous things, in jail.......
Zz
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August 24
I can no longer see her face. As I sit here in this cold cell of steel and concrete, I cannot envision my ex-girlfriend of four-and-a-half years.
She was in my dreams again last night, as again, I dreampt of my former home and family. It was bitter sweet; consisting of love and family, yet there was an underlying tone of sadness. After everything, I would go back to her.......
.......because, I still love her. Don't get me wrong, things would have to change - both of us have issues that caused stress and tension, but then, what relationship doesn't have problems?
Too often, people run from relationships when things go bad, rather than try and fix the problems. Is this a sign of the times? I think so. It is my personal belief that women have been empowered by sexist legislation, that encourages single-families. The courts routinely favour the female in almost all matters - civil matters and divorce. They unfairly target men as the aggressor, and falsely believe the hysterics of a distressed woman; instantly throwing the man in jail, and letting the courts decide the fate of the family. If logical legislation were enacted, where BOTH sides were prosecuted equally, you would instantly see a dramatic drop in civil cases!
I'm certain she has moved on..........I just pray that whoever it is, takes good care of my baby girl
My release date is approaching. On September 5th, 2012, I will once again be going before the court system, but this time, I have a joint submission from my lawyer and the crown; time served. Which means I will have to plead guilty to crimes I didn't commit but it also means I will be released from jail - Wednesday afternoon on the fifth, no longer under lock and key. Notice I didn't say "freedom"? That's because we are not free!! Oh, we say we are a free people, but the term is misleading; the laws that bind us, restrict true freedom! Which means, I am going to have to watch my back very carefully once I am released; I am most likely going to have to serve probation - at this time, I am uncertain as to the conditions of my release.
With eleven days left, it could be claimed that my release is quickly approaching - but in retrospect, there is nothing quick about time spent locked up in jail! Each day is a painful reminder of the bullshit about my ex, and my fickle nieghbour, and the false statement by the OPP.
Can't wait ti get out!
Zz
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August 24
The smell of coffee filters through the iron bars of my locked cell. It's evening, but the guards are always on duty, and are always drinking coffee. My stomach rumbles and I would love a cup of coffee; inmates are not permitted coffee except during the morning - and always in small doses. Any other time of the day, we only have the option to drink water or tea. Not even good tea! Day after day of grotesque tea! I swear, that once I'm free of this hellish joke, I'll never drink another cup of tea as long as I live!
The other thing I spend a great deal of time doing, is reading. I read everything. The jail library boasts books of all kind. So besides drinking shitty tea, while smelling coffee, I read.
At the moment, I'm reading a historical fiction about called "Mila 18"; about the German occupation of Poland, during the Second World War. Great book! It cleverly outlines the atrocities of those that suffered at the abuse of others. The book highlights the effort to maintain hope, during one of the darkest periods of human history. It outlines the greed and excess of some, at the misery and expense of others; while some starve, others gorge. So it is in jail........
..........those that suffer and are denied the basics of humanity, are guarded by others who deny them such luxuries. There are some that even delight in their role, and take such a role of authority that it would seem they forget we are human. At the same time, there are a select few, that go out of their way to treat us as humanely as possible - occasionally bending the rules to do so. (It should be noted that this type of respect is a two-way street; leniency is only granted to those that routinely show a high level of respect to the guards)
We occasionally are given coffee instead of tea in this fashion. The select few guards that haven't forgotten the fact that we are human, will knowingly wink and quietly tell us we are getting a treat - coffee. Sometimes, they even go out of their way to set it up so we get to have coffee instead of tea, by subtle sabotage.
These acts of humanity are received warmly! For while each of us are here for a variety of reasons, we are still humans, suffering at the hands of others in a position of authority. Too often, that authority is abused and absolute. Thank God for those that provide those small acts of kindness, for they bring more than a sense of feeling human; they bring a sense of hope.
Wish I could get a little of that coffee.
Zz
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August 26
Injustice abounds all over the planet! Sunday morning news proclaims the sentencing of the Russian band "Pussy Riot" to two years in prison, for their political demonstration; with many people and organizations blanching from the sheer stupidity of the judgment of the court. (An all-girl punk rock band performed a mock prayer in which they condemned the current leader of the country - in a church)
In this scenario, there are two sides; those who believe they shouldn't have done such a thing, and those who believe in free speech. This same ideology is reflected throughout history - individuals, groups, organizations, and whole racial castes being persecuted for beliefs, and the subsequent condemnation by those who endevour to bring to light the sheer ridiculousness of it all; be it political, or simple unjust laws.
This was not a crime! The only one snubbed was the stoical Russian President, and by his actions, merely proved how unjust he really was! The sheer magnitude of his folly was felt around the world, with many left to ask why; why persecute these young women so harshly for simply demonstrating their displeasure? Many people merely shrug indifferently, and make utterances about speaking out in a country that persecutes free speech; assuring themselves that such things cannot happen elsewhere. Insomuch, they are foolishly deluding themselves! This type of persecution exists in every nation, even those that pride themselves on free speech, such as Canada. Recent demonstrations have proven exactly that, Canadian leaders vehemently oppose freedom of speech, by the violence and destruction caused by the thug-like riot geared Police; who only serve to protect political interests. But this doesn't apply to just free speech - the majority of Canadians in jails and prisons are incarcerated due to non-violent legal violations, that have no criminal nature. Drug issues are medical, yet Canadian courts routinely treat the issue as criminal; destroying lives, instead of attempting to offer medical help. Same with alcohol related issues - tossing men and women behind bars for a period of time with no attempt to rehabilitate. When released, the conditions imposed by the legal system ensure those individuals will breach the court imposed conditions, and they end up back behind bars. In doing so, the legal system has created a vicious cycle of repetition that offers no relief.
As I sit here behind these cold iron bars, on a sunny Sunday morning, I too realize the magnitude of the ridiculousness of my own situation. An innocent man, jailed by a false Police report. My own freedom taken away by a legal system that has no interest in the pursuit of legality. What a crock of shit!
All I can do for myself is to be better than those who put me in here! Smile through the persecution. Laugh at the injustice. Endevour to rise above the fickleness of false friendship.
And above all, stage my own demonstrations, by dancing and singing to expose the corrupt lawlessness of those that "Protect and Serve". That's all I really can do.......
Zzorhn
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August 27
By mere circumstance, I ended up alone in the kitchen wing. Two inmates are off doing dishes after lunch, and the other inmate on our four-man cell block is visiting a loved one. I walked over to the television remote, and after a quick scan of available channels, turned it off. Suddenly it became quiet. I breathed a sigh of relief for the welcomed peace and quiet, knowing it would be only momentary. Too soon, the visitation was over, and the television was turned back on, and the barrage of noise was reinstated. The peace lasted less than ten minutes, but was glorious while it lasted!
The shlock programming is indicative of the eroded morality of todays society - each channel attempting to garner more viewers, by being more provocative and outrageous than the others. It's as though we are so desensitized to violence, sex, and excess, that the only way to "stand out" and be noticed, is to be more risque with even more excessive violence and sexuality. Talk about a cycle of debauchery!! I weep for the future of humanity!
Don't get me wrong, I'm no puritan, but there needs to be a limit somewhere........or at least be able to turn off it off.......
Zz
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August 28
Tuesday morning. Immediately after breakfast, the guards came into our range and opened the exterior door leading to the yard. Bright warm sunlight poured intot he room. The warden came around the corner holding a broom in his outstretched hand, which I instinctively took.
"Do you want to clean up outside?", he asked me. I guess I must have looked confused, but eagerly jumped at the opportunity to work outside in the sun!
I started sweeping, realizing the walkway / cage was desperately needing more than a "light once over". That's when I seen the guard pulling weeds, and eagerly began to thoroughly clean up. I knocked cobwebs and years of grim off windows, ledges, and walls. Quite enjoying myself, I threw myself into my work!
Much too soon, I was done. It felt good to do something productive for a change; as well as a chance to get some sun on my face.
Zz
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August 28
I'm tired of the double standard - I try to be pleasant, and others act like bullies. No one makes small talk or normal conversation, rather, they act like MTV thugs with gangster mentality. Even a simple game of cribbage is skewed to reflect this; I would simply tell my opponent if they are missing a point or two during a count, whereas my opponents play "muggins" - taking points I miss, for them-self, after revealing my miscount. I feel robbed and violated when this occurs.
Naturally, I don't play as often as I normally would, and it has taken my love of a simple pastime, and reduced it considerably.
The other thing that annoys the living shit out of me, is how the other inmates "perform". The constant berating of each other, and nit-picking fault with the slightest thing is immature and childish. This is another factor that is one-sided, as I try to allow for personal imperfections and only seek perfection in myself; yet I'm constantly judged by others. I'm sick of sarcasm! I've grown weary of the "school yard mentality" so prevalent in wanna-be-gangsters! I'm tired of the racism! I just want to go home.......I just want my life back.....I want my family back....I just want to be daddy to my little girl...... ....
............and even released from this hell, I'm never going to get that ever again........
Zz
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ARGH!!! Some woman was brought into the jail system today, and everything had to change to accommodate her! Due to regulations, everyone on the kitchen side had to be moved to other cells; I am now, once again, on range #2. As I lay on this bunk, stuck with immature noisy punks, I am in hell. It stinks! The constant jeers and lame jokes are grating. Everyone performs their best to outdo each other in being obnoxious, like it's cool.
To make matters worse, I just heard through the grapevine, that the crown attorney may not be in court on the 5th of September! My case may be pushed back another twelve days!!!!
FUCK!! I am so sick of this place!
NB: Shortly after this, I was placed in solitary confinement, under suicide watch........
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August 29
I am having a breakdown. I can't stop crying and my chest hurts from shaking so much - adrenaline from anger and anguish is coursing through my body uncontrollably! Dark thoughts of hurting myself, keep surfacing in my forethought; my rational mind knows this is wrong, and I sought help by asking to see the nurse. After speaking to her, I was put on suicide watch, and placed in an isolation cell. Most of my personal affects were taken from me. They even contemplated taking away my blankets and mattress! I was scheduled to speak with a counsellor and a doctor. Each 20 minutes, a guard comes to check on me - I know they keep notes on me, as well, as to my behaviour and state.
How am I doing? Why have I reached this point in my life?
All I know for certain, is that, I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm tired of the constant noise, and being exposed to the abuse. (emotional) I'm losing me...........
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I've always heard that when you are upset with someone, the best thing to do is write a letter. (and then rip up the letter) Never done that before. I wonder if the same thing is true of other emotion. For the longest time now, I've been extremely depressed over the way my relationship ended on June 30th. Due to a court order, I cannot have contact with her or my little girl, which is why I don't use names when I speak of them; no contact also means no communication directly or through third party contact (another ludicrous law by the Canadian judicial system - crippling families under the pretence of protecting individuals) Being as I'm having such a hard time wrestling with my emotions, I thought it best to put pen to paper (so to speak) and write a letter that will never get mailed (possibly ripped up at the conclusion) and perhaps make sense of it all. Here goes.....
Dear "She-who-shall-not-be-named"
I could try and say I'm sorry for the way things turned out, but I really don't think there is any way to actually communicate the deep sorrow and regret I harbour deep down in my soul! The odd thing about all of this is, I predicted the outcome for a couple of years, and even told you about it. (I'm sure you remember) I don't know how you feel about everything, and I convey no negativity when I state, I hope you are happy. I personally wish things were different; not because I'm writing to you from a jail cell, but because of the fact we are not together anymore. My life is so empty without you in it!
In a short while, I am going to be released from behind bars, but I take no joy in that. Each day closer to my release date is finding me more and more miserable, knowing that I have nothing to "go home to". I am moving back to Devlin, but that too brings nothing but misery for me, as I can't stop thinking about all the great times we had there. For one summer, when we first got together, it was our home! We did so much together, and accomplished so many great things, my heart breaks to think that I will have to go there alone! My God, how I hurt!!
I'm having a hard time writing this for tears staining the table and soaking the paper. Will you do me a big favour and take good care of my little girl for me? I miss her so much! I wish you all the best! May you find the happiness you deserve.
Sincerely,
Zzorhn
P.S. I changed my mind about ripping up this letter. Maybe someday, things will be different and you'll be able to get this.......
.......I wish I could see my little girl grow up. It breaks my heart to know that I cannot be there for her! I'm so sorry my "sweetness". Daddy will always love you.
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August 30
Thursday morning finds me still in solitary confinement. I feel like it is both a blessing and a curse; I was able to allow myself the chance to cry in isolation, free from ridicule. I am safe from other inmates, but, I can still hear them, and TV's -banging on metal walls, squeaking cell doors (some fucktard has learned that the natural frequency of his cell door resonates throughout the whole facility - which he loves to do when opportunity presents itself!) talking, yelling at guards / other inmates, and any other noise making, for the mere pursuit of making noise. So while I have some sort of sanctuary, there is still no semblance of inner peace. Since I can still hear the TV's but not hear them, it adds injury to insult. (spoonerism, I know)
My disposition is slightly better - I've stopped crying all the time. I'm slightly depressed that I'm in jail for crimes I didn't commit, although I won't be able to deal with things until I am released. Truth is, this is going to hurt for a long time.
I guess I'm supposed to see the doctor and therapist today. At least some good will come of this turn in my life. Wish me luck.......
Zz
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Moved from the isolation cell to general population just before lunch. The cell is grimy, but better than being isolated. Still have yet to see the therapist. Back to being "tough" again, and having to deal with grown men with personality disorders that inhibit rational behaviour .........
What a day! General population isn't so bad (considering) although I still have to watch my step - there is not enough room here for everyone to comfortably move around. I get to watch TV and socialize, and now that I'm feeling better, relax a bit.
I met with a woman from Riverside Counseling services. It felt really great to talk to someone about my situation. Didn't hurt that she was beautiful either. Lol!
Anyway, I've managed to stop crying all the time. My time in isolation actually helped me. I guess everyone needs a little time to them-self. I did manage to get a bit of good news; when I phones my lawyer this afternoon, I found out that the deal I made, will still count, regardless of who is the crown attorney. September 5th is still on the table for release!! Hope so! So, if you're keeping track for today, I was released from solitary, seen a therapist, seen a doctor, talked to my lawyer, and phoned my mom. Great day!
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August 31
There was just about a fight on the range this morning! (not me) One of the guys (new) who walks around, shuffling his feet, his jumpsuit hanging off his shoulders, unkempt hair, and not paying attention, knocked a full coffee cup off the bars, into a toilet - while the owner of the coffee was peeing into the toilet. The incident set in motion a series of events; the inevitable confrontation, with both men calling each other out. I thought for sure something was going to happen! In the end though, neither did anything, because with all the guards around, the only thing that would have happened, is more jail time.
So I seen the guy who had his coffee dumped down the toilet, and knew that he wouldn't be able to get any coffee at all today since we only get coffee in the morning. I knew that he wouldn't be issued a new cup until later in the day, so I sucked back my hot coffee and rinsed out my cup, then handed him the clean cup so he could get another cup of coffee. He looked a bit surprised, but took the offered cup. It made me feel good to help him, and I think I may have defused a volatile situation.
Well, barring any unforeseen difficulties, this is my last weekend in jail. If by coincident, tonight is a Blue Moon; which seems apt, as by now it seems the only time I am getting out of this hell is "once in a blue moon". (Blue moon is the term used for the occurrence for two full moons in one month)
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The weather has been really great this summer, and the 20 minutes I get to bask in the sun each day were a tease. I missed the summer this year (my favourite time of year). Hopefully, the weather holds for a few more weeks, and I will get a few days of sun and heat, before we are plunged back into ice and cold again. More than that, I need time to get my remaining belongings sorted as well, and safeguard things.
So much to do..........
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September 1
September already. No more summer. Gone are the days of sun and heat. I've spent my whole summer locked up behind bars. I feel like that teenager who waits for the whole school year, eagerly anticipating and expecting to dance, then doesn't get invited to the prom.
Even the weather seems to reflect the change; the 25 minutes I got to go outside in the yard, or "birdcage", was under a cooler, overcast sky. I still took my shirt off, and eagerly did my laps I look forward to each day. (speed walking - getting my cardio workout)
Four more sleeps until court! I'm told that my deal to be released is still a go, but I can't help but worry! By this time next week I should be a free man, but I'm smart enough to realize the farce of "freedom". True freedom is an illusion, There is no such thing as real freedom. I may not be stuck behind bars, but, I am subject to many limitations - even more so now because of this occurrence. (probation, etc)
I look forward to updating my social networks and catching up with friends! I have a whole summer to hear about.
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September 2
"A hacksaw, and a screwdriver. Both would be great, but either one would be nice. I'm not fussy." - Request submitted on Sunday, Sept., 2nd, 2012.
Each morning, just after breakfast, the guards come around with request forms. These are used to ask to see the nurse, ask to use the phone on Sundays, request to see a lawyer or councilor, etc. As a joke, I put in a request for a tool to "shawshank" my way out of the facility. I'm sure it received a chuckle or two......
.....before being denied......
Zz
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September 3
Hope everyone had a safe and happy labour day weekend! For me, it was just another "Ground Hog Day".
Monday, Day sixty-six, behind bars for crimes I didn't commit. A fairly uneventful day. I'm slightly nervous, however, because two days from now, I reappear in court; my deal is "time served", but my big fear is, something can go wrong. This fear is based on the continuous remands in court, and the fleeting feeling of futility that comes with the lack of control in a justice system, that has little to do with justice. I don't want to be here anymore, but, I don't want to get my hopes up too high and have them dashed again. Really wish I had some finite date, where I could say for certain that I am being released. Not knowing is driving me crazy! Wish me luck!
At least this has given me a chance to think; truth is, I had to come here. I know I am saying that I am not guilty of the crimes I am serving jail time; which is true, however, I am not innocent of all matters. I had a fight with "she-who-shall-not-be-named" which lead to the Police being called. I cold have not fought with her. I could have left the house. I could have broken up with her years ago. I could have done many things differently, and didn't. It's too bad that things got to this point! I can't change the past, but I can change my future; take what I've learned, and try to better myself.
Two more sleeps!! WOOT!
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September 5
It's Tuesday night, the night before I go to court. If all goes as planned, by tomorrow night I will be a free man. I'll admit, I'm a bit institutionalized now. The thought of freedom is a bit scary! Sitting here, thinking about what I want to do is a fair mystery to me. Sort through my life, I guess, and get things back on track, but then what? Each day i here is so structured - meals at a certain time, my daily walk in the yard for 20 minutes, read, watch TV, and even clean; I don't have to make real choices about anything.
By now you are probably thinking, "what about friends"? Family? Life and love? Aren't you looking forward to getting out and seeing everyone? To which I easily answer, sure.....
.......the friends I have left, the family that still acknowledges me, and I don't even want to think about love! At this time such things will be slowly embraced - I'm pretty shell shocked by the betrayal of a lover, certain friends and some family. I'm more comfortable associating with strangers who can't hurt me, than those who know me, and can.
I'm scared the Police will now harass me, I'm nervous that people will judge me. I'll be constantly watching my back for someone to bring me harm.
I'm super nervous, however, that something will go wrong tomorrow. I guess they can't hold me in jail forever, but they certainly could remand things, or give me more time.
Wish me luck. I'm going to need it!
ZZ
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September 5
Good morning. Today is the big day! I took all my personal affects and placed them on my bunk, in the odd chance, I actually get released, but I didn't hand them into the guards; how's that for optimism?
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